I belong nowhere and everywhere

As I stepped out of my front door I stared at the mountains on the other side of the valley, no matter how often I had seen that view, it never ceased to amaze me. I grew up in a country without hills, and now I found myself living on top of one. As I walked out of the gate I noticed a red flower in the middle of an otherwise empty patch of grass. It was a proud red lonely tulip, it looked out of place and reminded me of my own struggles with belonging. I had been living in the UK as a Dutch person for 4 years at that point, and I couldn’t help but feel a strange connection to this lone tulip (tulips being considered a Dutch national symbol). I also wondered if anyone had planted it there, these flowers don’t just pop-up like wildflowers, perhaps someone had taken pity in me, being the only Dutch living entity on that Welsh hill. I had tried very hard to fit in, studying the people around me, adopting their cultural norms and British accent, and minimising any part of me which seemed different. Despite my efforts, whenever someone would point at my ‘otherness’ I would feel like I could never belong.

Belonging had always been a struggle for me, even in my home town, where from a very young age I had felt out of place. A combination of childhood trauma, growing up in two different households (due to a divorce), having one parent with severe mental health issues, and being the quiet academic kind of kid, made me feel older than the children around me. I was already carrying a lot of stresses and secrets, which made me feel lonely and different. In my teenage years these feelings continued and the search for belonging became more prominent. Due to a lack of self worth and thinking I would only belong if others would accept me, I made myself into the most likeable, kind and palatable version of myself. No matter how hard I tried to belong, I kept feeling like “the other”. I had been hopeful that I would find belonging at university, meeting  people with the same academic eagerness. Again I felt like I didn’t belong when some of my fellow students judged my less wealthy background. During these years I also pushed away my same-sex attractions, considering it yet another reason why I would be excluded. In romantic relationships I would search for an acceptance and belonging, completely depending again on external validation. 

My search for belonging continued even when I had started my yogic and buddhist path, and I felt some belonging in the Sangha (community). I had joined a zen buddhist temple where I met people who made me feel welcome and accepted. During my yoga teacher training I also had moments at which I didn’t feel like “the other” but part of the group. Yet this sense of belonging was fragile and I knew that these safe bubbles of community were temporary. 

What truly ended my search for belonging came with deepening my practice of yoga and zen buddhism. I started to realise I had been searching for an external validation, instead of working on an inside healing towards becoming my true self. I now thoroughly believe that we should never let our belonging depend on outside acceptance, but that belonging comes from a deep self acceptance. Belonging isn’t bound to any place, other than the place within ourselves. What follows are some of the reasons why yoga and buddhist philosophy and practice changed my idea of belonging. 

Finding and accepting my authentic self

Yoga philosophy encourages us to find our authentic selves and to live in alignment with our true nature. This involves understanding one’s unique strengths, talents, and purpose in life. Belonging, then, can be seen as finding one’s place within the greater whole while staying true to oneself. Instead of hiding away any aspects which were different (for example my sexuality), I started celebrating my uniqueness. As I had always feared, I did lose people by being my true self and stopping my chronic people-pleasing. However, losing some “friends” who didn’t actually love me was a positive change as they left a space to be filled with true friendships. The more I followed my own interests and aspirations, the more I feel like I’m on a life path where I actually belong. A lot of former doubts and insecurities about my choices disappeared, making space for a secure sense of belonging in my current life.

Interconnectedness, shared suffering and compassion

One of the central teachings of yoga philosophy is the idea of interconnectedness, or the recognition that all beings are interconnected and interdependent. This concept, often referred to as “oneness” or “unity consciousness,” suggests that we are all part of a larger whole. In this view, belonging is inherent because we are all connected to each other and to the universe. By practicing yoga I really started to feel like I was not just this lone entity, and I started to recognise how everything was interconnected. 

I also started to experience that compassion could be a bridge to overcome feelings of ‘otherness’. I personally can’t always know the experience of someone else, just like they can’t know mine, but underneath the specifics of our unique life’s is the same suffering. Receiving and feeling compassion and love from others heals the feelings of otherness and replaces it with a feeling of oneness and belonging.

Non-Attachment

Another key concept in yoga and buddhist philosophy is non-attachment, which involves letting go of identification with the ego and external labels. By releasing attachment to external factors such as status, possessions, or social groups, we can cultivate a deeper sense of belonging that is not dependent on external circumstances. 

When we search for belonging we often do so within an identity label, in my case this was ‘Britishness’ when I was living in the UK. This identity existed only in an imaginary idea of what ‘Britishness’ was. No matter how hard I would try to copy this image, I would always fail to some degree and I would only blame myself for failing to meet this impossible standard. I think especially the zen-buddhist concepts of impermanence (annica) and non-self (anatta) helped me realise that none of the identities we try to hold on to and fix are actually real, they are constructs which only give us a false sense of who we truly are. 

Understanding this on an intellectual level will only get you to a certain point, but practicing non-attachment requires a meditation practice. In meditation you can actually experience non-attachment and a quieting of the ego-based identities and constructs.

Self worth

Yoga teaches acceptance of oneself without judgment, fostering self-awareness and self-compassion. It helps us gain strength, resilience and a connection to our body and mind, which can have a positive impact on our self worth. Also the calming effects of practice helped me feel an inner stability and confidence. When we feel secure in their own worth and value, we are more likely to cultivate meaningful connections and find a sense of belonging in our communities and relationships. As I gained self worth I realised I no longer needed outside validation to feel good about myself.

I experience belonging as a place deep inside myself, which no one can externally validate or judge. This quest for belonging and this painful feeling of ‘otherness’ simply softened by practice. I could have written the above on an intellectual level, but I would have never truly felt belonging if I hadn’t practiced yoga and meditation. So perhaps we should shift our focus in trying to find belonging outside of ourselves, and replace it with the practice of going within. 

I belong nowhere: I no longer try to fit in for gaining external approval.

I belong everywhere: no matter where I am, my true sense of belonging is a place within myself.