Limerence or love?

I found myself fixated on the words ‘seen 38 m ago’ consumed by anticipation for her response. An unsettling blend of fear and excitement churned in my stomach. My attempts to return to work proved futile as my mind wandered through past conversations and spun fantasies of future interactions with her.

Days passed, yet the message remained unanswered when we finally met again. In her presence, I experienced a sensation in my gut—could these be the butterflies people talk about? I felt a mix of nervousness and uncertainty, fluctuating between her apparent interest and sudden disregard for me. Despite the inconsistencies, her presence felt oddly familiar, as though we’d known each other for ages rather than mere weeks.

Despite numerous red flags indicating her unkind and inconsistent behaviour, I found myself drawn to the intoxicating allure of love, blinded to the consequences. My love for Shakespeare led me to romanticise our relationship, likening it to the epic trials of Romeo and Juliet.

However, a moment of clarity struck during a morning meditation session, shattering the illusions I’d constructed. I realised that what I mistook for love was, in fact, limerence—a fixation born from personal traumas, seeking validation from someone who wasn’t a safe person to share my emotions with.

I believed I was following my heart, thinking it was the right path. Little did I know, I was neglecting my instincts, my gut, which had been sounding alarm bells all along. The allure of limerence had woven a spell so captivating that reality became a distant echo. This wasn’t the first time; I used to mistake those intense feelings and obsessive thoughts for love all the time. However, I’ve come to understand that true love is something steady, gradual, and maybe a tad unexciting compared to limerence.

Through nurturing friendships and meaningful relationships, I’ve discovered a different kind of love—one rooted in stability and certainty. Limerence tends to rear its head when old wounds are reopened, when past traumas resurface. I’ve come to trust that our intuition, our gut feeling, can discern between genuine love and the fleeting rush of limerence. It’s the difference between falling in love and reopening old scars.

Which is why I argue that we should stop following our heart and listen to our gut instead!

Limerence, dopamine and addiction

If you’ve ever found yourself anxiously awaiting a reply from someone you’re crushing on, you’re not alone. That anticipation, that hope for a response, can trigger the release of dopamine in your brain—the same neurotransmitter involved in addiction. This sensation is akin to what happens with other forms of addiction, and it’s often linked to limerence, which can stem from past traumas.

Limerence shares a deep connection with dopamine, particularly in the early stages of infatuation. Studies show that heightened dopamine activity in the brain is involved in the intense euphoria and craving associated with being in love. Interestingly, individuals experiencing limerence exhibit neural activation patterns similar to those addicted to drugs, underscoring the overlap between romantic attraction and addiction, with dopamine serving as a key player.

For some, this can spiral into what’s known as love addiction—a condition marked by compulsive behaviours, obsessive thoughts, and an emotional dependence on romantic relationships. People grappling with love addiction may find themselves unable to break free from toxic relationships, despite knowing the negative impact they have on their well-being.

Love or trauma?

Films, books, and other forms of popular media inundate us with tales of ‘love at first sight’, often portraying what might actually be limerence rather than genuine love. We celebrate the notion of falling for someone instantly, without truly knowing them, under the guise of following our hearts blindly. This romanticised view of love as something “magical” and “sudden” can easily blur the lines between genuine affection and the visceral reactions triggered by past traumas.

Some of our most passionate experiences of love may not necessarily be the healthiest. There have been instances in my own life where I’ve been consumed by intense feelings for someone, only to realise later that they were actually triggering unresolved traumas within me. The more extreme the intensity of this ‘love,’ the more likely it was a manifestation of deeper traumas surfacing.

Although limerence isn’t inherently negative, enjoying the thrilling highs of a new crush can be truly wonderful. Occasionally, we find ourselves fortunate enough to experience limerence with someone who proves to be both safe and compatible. Nevertheless, I advocate against blindly surrendering to any instance of limerence and misinterpreting it as genuine love. True love blossoms gradually through trust and nurturing secure connections over time.

Stop following your heart, listen to your gut instead!

What if our hearts carry trauma? What if we sense an emptiness within? Instead of solely relying on our hearts, our gut and intuition can offer a more reliable compass. Often, we mistake anxiety for butterflies, a misinterpretation of our nervous system’s warning signals as signs of love.

Our gut often senses when something feels off. Is your crush leaving you feeling queasy, sweaty, or uneasy? Could those fluttering sensations actually be anxiety, lacking the comfort and security of genuine affection?

I’ve had to come to terms with the realisation that what I once believed to be profound ‘love stories’ were, in fact, triggers of my trauma responses rather than genuine love. Distinguishing between limerence and love has proven invaluable. While I sometimes yearn for the intoxicating rush of infatuation, I advocate for a slower, more authentic love—one built on honesty, trust, and genuine connection rather than fleeting illusions. Discovering this love initially through friendships and later in romantic partnerships has been incredibly healing.

Ending Limerence through the Lens of the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali

Yoga can help us shift from limerence and validation-seeking patterns in love towards healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

Svadyaya | Self-study:

Engaging in yoga facilitates a profound journey of self-exploration and understanding. By delving into the practices of yoga and embracing self-study, we gain invaluable insight into our own bodies and nervous systems. Through this introspection, we learn to discern between genuine love and the echoes of trauma within us.

Satya – Truthfulness:

On our yogic path we are encouraged to cultivate truthfulness in our thoughts, actions, and relationships. By improving our consciousness through yoga practices, we become more attuned to our inner workings. Rather than succumbing to the allure of infatuation with a crush, we can observe our mental processes impartially. This clarity allows us to assess whether pursuing such infatuations aligns with our well-being and values.

“Yogas chitta vritti nirodha”:

Patanjali emphasises the essence of yoga as the cessation of fluctuations in the mind. This stilling of the mind is believed to unveil the ultimate reality, which also transcends the illusions of limerence. By anchoring ourselves in the present moment through yoga, we can gradually disentangle from the grip of limerence and embrace the truth of our experiences.