Moving to Thailand and exploring guilt

Riddled with fear I wondered how I was gonna break the news to my family, loved ones, workplace and volunteering commitments. This wouldn’t be my first time relocating across borders and I remembered the guilt I used to feel during the years I lived in the UK.

Now, contemplating yet another move, the familiar pangs of guilt resurfaced. Could I really depart, especially as my relationships flourished and I found fulfilment in my work? Above all, how could I reconcile the guilt of leaving once more? This realisation prompted a journey inward, probing the deep-seated emotion of guilt woven throughout my life.

When we look at the actual meaning of guilt, it is considered an emotion which occurs when we do something which isn’t inline with our own values or moral standards, something we end up regretting. However living abroad wasn’t in conflict with my core values.

Freedom ranks high among my values—I advocate for pursuing dreams without constraint. Additionally, authenticity and truthfulness are paramount, as I believe in living genuinely. If friends or family had to move internationally in pursued of their happiness, I would wholeheartedly support them. So, why did I feel guilt?

While moving didn’t contradict my values, it clashed with societal norms and expectations I had internalised. There’s an implicit expectation, especially for women, to prioritise the care of family and friends. As a naturally caring and sensitive individual, I assumed caregiving roles ever since I was a child, feeling responsible for others’ well-being. Moreover, I once derived my sense of worth from what I could offer others, failing to recognise that my value transcended my actions. The combination of societal pressures and diminished self-worth often left me feeling guilty when choosing paths that limited my ability to care for loved ones. 

Additionally, societal pressures often infiltrate our subconscious, despite misaligning with our true nature. Society dictates timelines for settling down and starting families, which may entail sacrificing personal dreams. However, upon honest reflection, the conventional path of family life never resonated with me. As a queer woman, I had already challenged heteronormativity and this made it easier for me to question other traditional expectations such as motherhood and traditional relationship structures. Leaving at this age (33) also meant that people realised I wasn’t going down that usual/expected path, and I felt like this might be yet another disappointment to others. I misconstrued this fear of being a disappointment to others as guilt. 

Much of my struggle stems from societal gender norms, perpetuating the notion that women must sacrifice their aspirations for others’ success. I once believed I had to sacrifice my autonomy to be deemed worthy and lovable. In previous relationships I had given up my dreams and aspirations to the point where I no longer recognised myself. I had internalised the idea that martyrdom was a part of being a good woman. However, I now realise that as a martyr of your own life, you will become resentful towards the people who held you back from living your life. 

This leads me to another value of mine: loyalty. Initially, I grappled with the idea of betraying my loyalty by departing, but I’ve come to realise that true loyalty encompasses honouring oneself. Neglecting my own aspirations would only hinder my ability to be genuinely content and to offer my best self to those I care about. It’s crucial for me to pursue my dreams to avoid feelings of resentment or discontent, and to present my most authentic self to others.

While I’ll always be there to support my loved ones, even from a distance, I will do so without sacrificing my own happiness. Though I’ll undoubtedly miss them, I release myself from guilt, understanding that my foremost obligation is to live in alignment with my true self.
When I mustered the courage to reveal my decision, I encountered a range of reactions, but the burden of guilt evaporated. Instead, I’m consumed by excitement for the journey that lies ahead, eagerly anticipating the start of this new adventure.

I’m moving in may 2024 to continue my yogic path, starting with a 300 hour teacher training, after which I will continue teaching yoga from September onwards whilst setting up a ‘healing centre’ where we’ll organise yoga and meditation retreats. Stay tuned for updates on this exhilarating adventure!