My trauma healing journey

People often ask me why I became a yoga teacher, and to summarise my answer: it helped me get away from a place of constant danger, it helps me heal from the consequences of trauma and it gives me a sense of purpose by teaching students the tools which have utterly changed my life for the better! In this blog post I share a part of my personal story with reconnecting to myself after trauma, and the important role of yoga in my healing journey.

The word ‘trauma’ and ‘trauma informed yoga’ might seem like a bit of a buzzword, popping up in many online spaces. However, the attention for trauma in yoga is a welcome one, in a world in which so many people get to deal with trauma.

Gabor Maté in his book ‘the Myth of Normal’ (highly recommended reading!) describes trauma as follows: “Trauma is not what happens to you, but what happens inside of you”.

There are many different events which might be traumatic to people, and we can’t judge from the outside whether someone ‘should be’ traumatised or not. My personal story contains several traumatic events, including sexual abuse and narcissistic abuse. There will be no triggering details of my past, instead I will write about healing the split I experienced from myself after trauma.

Yoga has played a massive part in my healing journey and it might help others, however I cannot mention enough that it is not a replacement for professional help. If you are struggling with the consequences of trauma, please always reach out to the people around you and mental health professionals.

Reconnecting to myself

I walked into the studio apartment that was to become my new home, it was empty with only a lingering smell of paint and cleaning products. I immediately identified with this mere shell of a home, I felt just as empty inside and without a clue about who I was. “It’s perfect”, I said to the landlord. I had removed myself from danger, and this tiny apartment was a safe place to reconnect with myself. This blank canvas gave me the chance to figure out who I was, starting with tiny steps: choosing each plate, blanket, cup, painting and every piece of furniture.

During my yoga practices I would focus on connecting with myself, starting small by feeling physical sensations in my body: I would feel a stretch or I would feel a muscle getting tired. I simply observed anything with a curiosity as if I had never realised I had a human body. With time I also managed to experience feelings which weren’t merely physical but also emotional, I looked at them with the same curiosity, becoming more and more conscious of my fears, pains, wants and needs. Off the mat, I would build myself a bookcase to fill my studio with something I loved: books!! (you could buy a bookcase of course but I like being dramatic from time to time). Knowing what I liked was a slow process of several years, nothing that used to make me happy had the same impact on me after trauma. Next to that, I struggled remembering my own interests, because for a very long time there had been no space for me to be myself or explore my interests, I had been in survival-mode.

Back on the mat I was doing a vinyasa class inspired by the element of water, I felt absorbed in the flow moving fluidly and free from constraints. Suddenly memories of how much I loved being in the water as a child came back to me.
The next day I stept into the cold water for an outdoor swim, the sensations on my skin and this feeling of lightness and floating made me feel alive! I think there is no better indicator than the feeling of being alive, that you found a piece of yourself again.

However, it is not always a linear healing journey, and I had set-backs with many panic attacks, night terrors, flashbacks and other symptoms of trauma. There were also times when I couldn’t get myself to go on the mat, too afraid of what might come up or simply exhausted with working on myself. Just like in our yoga asana practice, we can’t be at our best all the time, we need to accept where our body and mind is at in the moment and surrender to that reality. I underestimated the time it would take to heal, but I’m now more likely to think it’s constant work instead of a destination.

Post-traumatic growth

My empty apartment eventually became my home, a place where I was surrounded by things which represented me. My daily life became an authentic reflection of my interests. My yoga practice continued to be the safe space I needed to explore myself. Eventually I reentered the world with a strong enough connection to myself to have a sense of direction and trust. One of the most beautiful side affects of that deeper connection with myself has been how much deeper my connections with others have become.

Becoming a yoga teacher has given me the chance to rewrite my history. The difficult times I’ve been through help me understand, recognise and empathise with students on a level that wouldn’t have been possible without it. I can teach from a place of authenticity and lived experience, which will hopefully help the students who need it the most. My story is one of post-traumatic growth: I’m so thankful to be alive but especially to feel alive, to be a yoga teacher and forever student, to have deeper connections, to have a positive outlook and to be on this path of never-ending curiosity in this life and whatever comes after.