Why I stopped drinking alcohol

As I told her my story I felt my throat tightening and I knew that tears were near at hand, I looked at her somewhat frightened expression as she jumped up to fill a glass of wine. Without looking at me she pushed the filled glass into my general direction, I took it from her and I drank a quick sip hoping to ease my friend’s discomfort by calming myself with the red fermented liquid so many of us use to self-regulate. Nothing about this scene was unusual, many people drink to calm their nervous system after a difficult day, others drink because it is seen as a social lubricant and it takes a centerstage at many of our cultural happenings. Yet when I sat on my yoga mat the next morning, I remembered how the fear in her face exactly reflected at me how scared I was of my own feelings. I realised it was time for more self-study (svadhiyaya) to explore my connection to my emotions and to consuming alcohol.


I had never been a big drinker, only consuming alcohol in social situations or perhaps when feeling a little overwhelmed by life (mostly in the weekends). On certain occasions I would drink more, especially when socialising with friends.


One of the reasons I would drink was the social pressure, living in a society where drinking is intertwined with celebration and fun, it is hard to go against the grain. I still hear the disappointment from some friends missing my ‘fun behaviour’ when I used to get drunk, and perhaps thinking me too serious or uptight. When drinking alcohol is the norm, many people will never question it unless we label someone as an alcoholic. There is a socially accepted norm of drinking and then there are individuals who drink ‘irresponsibly’. My drinking fitted within the norm, but it wasn’t actually benefitting me or responsible at all.


I realised that I used to drink in social situations for several reasons: it would give me a false sense of confidence, it would make me feel like I fitted in, it would soften my introvert discomforts of large groups, it would suppress feeling unsafe and it would temporarily push my social anxiety to the background.
The feeling of confidence and belonging were pleasant, but they came at a costs of ignoring my own boundaries. As a trauma surviver I struggled with feeling safe and when going out with friends, I would quickly down enough alcohol to suppress that fear. The side effect was that I would lose my own boundaries and even engage in risky behaviour.
One of the things that might seem counterintuitive is that I actually felt better when I was in actual danger. I found myself searching for the excitement of risky behaviour, bringing me back to a place that felt so familiar. Without alcohol I was able to consciously chose not to give into this pattern (negative samskara) which had caused me to repeatedly end up in dangerous situations in my life. I still feel the pull towards risk, but without alcohol my rational willingness to change my life for the better isn’t overwritten.


Coming back to the story of my friend rather seeing me sip my wine than give me a shoulder to cry on, I also used alcohol to suppress my discomfort with feelings. This was especially true when my life wasn’t safe enough yet to deal with feelings. Now that I’m in a safe place I consciously try to give space to my feelings. When I found myself struggling with meditation for a while, being overwhelmed by the worst memories, a yoga teacher said ‘sometimes you just have to feel the feelings’. Those were exactly the words I needed, I was trying to use meditation in the same way I had used alcohol, to push emotions away rather than allow them to move through me. If I were to continue drinking alcohol I would feel like the temptation to dampen the feelings would be too strong. While we could stick to one glass, sometimes it is easier to avoid it completely to prevent the slippery slope.


Another reason I stopped drinking was realising that despite seemingly helping my anxiety in the short term, it was actually worsening it. When drinking I would still experience panic attacks, with some of them even more severe. I also experienced a far above average amount of black-outs, and my friends would have to tell me what happened or how I got home, even when drinking quite lightly. Not knowing what happened can be very frightening and it only exacerbated my anxiety.


On a more day to day practical level, I don’t get to deal with the fatigue from drinking, the hang-overs or the costs of expensive nights out. I get to experience life as it is, teaching me to accept my social awkwardness, my introvert nature and stand in my authenticity and freedom to choose outside of the societal norms and pressures.